Pretty Like Drugs

Oh no, I've said too much.

What the fuck

Ever wake up and wonder that? Or put that infront of anything really.. What the fuck am I doing with my life. What the fuck am I doing here? What the fuck is going on.

I woke up this morning half way hung over from the Jameson I drank last night. I quit my job. I’m trying to move out of state. Being an escapist is a pain in my ass. But at least that is one thing I’m sure of. Beyond that I can’t answer any of the questions I asked in the first paragraph. I’m going to be 25 in two days. I might as well be 25 now. I’m starting to understand why old people say birthday’s don’t matter.

Old is old. I’m getting there.

Mike asked me last night why I was afraid of getting old. I couldn’t answer it. I just know I am. I don’t want to get old. I don’t ever want to turn 30. I think it might be because that means I’m going to have to take some kind of responsibility for my actions.. or lack there of. What the fuck have I done with my life? Absolutely nothing. I haven’t done one god damned thing with it. Nothing amazing. I haven’t changed the world in any way what so ever.

At most I can hope I was some kind of positive influence on someone’s life or maybe some kind of emotional pillar for someone when they needed it most. But beyond that, I haven’t done dick with my life.

I just seem to kind of float by.



4 responses to “What the fuck

  1. Edmond M. October 26, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    So here is a question I wonder if you asked yourself. Why? Who’s to say you need to have done some thing with your life by 25, 30 or what ever? Hell I am nearly 40 and some times I wonder what have I done with my life.
    Just find something to make you happy. Whether it’s Mike, maybe being a carnie or perhaps you can be a Ninja. What ever it is, just make sure is some thing to make you happy. Life has a funny way of working things out.

  2. Tony October 30, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Wow, dude, that’s intense and SO unnecessary. More later.

    From Tony

  3. Lo November 4, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    I too faced those questions, quite several times.

    My question is if you know what you want to do with your life, or just feel you want to “do something”.

    If you pick the first option, then the answer is that you should stop putting your wishes off and start doing everything you need to make yourself happy.

    If you pick the second option, then my suggestion is: study. When we build something for some hours a day, after a while we have a lot in our hands. We sometimes forget that matter of fact (and get depressed) because we are no more used to it after high school. Plus, studying widens our mental horizons, gives us new interests and new aims (and more interesting jobs), and you obviously need more complex goals than making coffee at Starbucks and getting drunk in free time. I suppose it means you are clever. Your fear to take responsibilities may be the reason why you picked a job that is below your level.

    I’m happy to hear from you, I was a bit worried.

  4. Tony November 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    I’ve been thinking about this for days, and maybe the whole “my life seems pointless” thing has to be. The questions you have are definitely valid, but you must answer them yourself just like myself and many others have had to. Spin the poi. It will help.

    From Tony

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