August 27, 2009
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y be one of the most pathetic individuals to walk this planet. At least one of the most pathetic people I know. I want to be loved so desperately that I will claw and cling and sacrifice in order to feel that someone cares for me. No matter how little. I am one of those completely codependant people. Or atleast that’s how I feel. I’m perfectly capable of being alone. I can maintain my life just fine. And yet I’m always on the prowl. I’m always looking for a romantic partner. As the quote goes, “I will give you my body, just sell me your soul.” I don’t care about the physical interludes. They are what they are. What I long for is some sort of deeply afflicting emotion. For someone to wake up and have me be the first thing on their mind. I guess it’s just because I know what it feels to be so deeply in love that you would cut your beating heart out of your chest if only to make the other person’s life a little bit better. I miss it.
My life is definitely not what I expect it to be a few short weeks away from my 24th birthday. Wasn’t I supposed to be enjoying being married to the love of my life right now? I guess I’m just childproof to the letter.
My resolve is weak and I know it. I know I will never go back to what I once had, and could take again if I wanted it. But I wish someone would fill the mantle. I know I’m broken and I have so many things that are wrong with me, but don’t the pro’s out weigh the cons? Or at least shouldn’t they? Maybe I’m just wishing for some sort of fairy tale ending that I will never get.
I don’t want to have the house with the blue shutters and the white picket fence. I just want someone who compliments me as well as I compliment them.
So aside from the emotional break down..
I’m sick of california. I love my friends. I can’t afford to live here. I know it. You know it. We all fucking know it. Why I keep beating a dead horse is beyond me. I keep expecting something amazing to happen. But instead I’m caught up in this broken record. Same things every week. Same drill. Same outcome. I feel like I’m a lost boy in nevernever land who will never grow up. I don’t want to be peter pan anymore. I guess I’ve turned into Wendy.
Sticks and Stones. Dissolution.