July 13, 2009
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I talked to Kyle (MY HUSBAND argh x_x) today before work. It was a weird and pretty surreal conversation. We were friendly. We made a bit of peace, considering the last time we talked it didn’t end well. Anyway, I’ve got a lot on my mind now because of it. We talked a bit about people we had been seeing, or liked or whatever. Ex’s per se. He has an exgirlfriend, I personally haven’t been anyone’s “girlfriend” since we split, but you get the idea.
I told him about the issues I’ve been having with men. The many degree’s of “issues.” The ones I like don’t like me, the one’s who like me I don’t care for. And then all the grey area in between. He gave me great ego boosts but also made me really depressed. Two sides of the same coin, I suppose.
He proceeded to tell me all the great things about myself, that he loves in me. It reminded me that I am an awesome person. The depth of my personality is incredible and I am wonderful in so many ways. That sounds really egotistical for me to say, but it’s what he said. So then the depressing part for me, is that I wonder if anyone will ever appreciate my quirks and oddities the way he does. Will anyone ever love me the way he did? Or at all? I know these are natural things to ask yourself when you’ve left a long term relationship, but man. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse every time I deal with a guy.
Besides that, I feel like I am so completely guarded emotionally that no one will ever get the chance to know me the way he did. I’m so completely scared of being hurt again that I refuse to give someone the opportunity to do it, and in the process I’m quite possibly sabotaging my own happiness.
So yeah, that’s what I’m chewing on right now.