I’m going to make this fast. I didn’t have internet for a month so quite few things have changed.
I got better! I’m not dead and I’m no longer sick. About 10 days into the illness it started getting better and I was working on day 13. I still don’t know what it was, and neither do my doctors, but it’s gone now.
I got a promotion! I now work in Aptos, California. I’m the Starbucks department manager inside of their Safeway.
I’ve also had my heart stolen. He’s bringing it to visit in a week.
I’m sick. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me. And it’s progressively getting worse. It’s not cancer, so don’t go all “I’ll pray for you” bullshit. But it’s definitely something gnarly. They think it’s mononucleosis. I go back in on friday for another blood panel and lymphnode count thing. It’s painful and shitty. I have proof:
Evidence #1
Evidence #2
(Hopefully those links work)
I’ve been bed ridden since Saturday. Ive been into work twice. The first time was on saturday to pick up a prescription for strep throat and tell them I couldn’t work for a day because I was contageous. On Monday, the day I was supposed to return to work, I still had a fever so I went back to the doc and turns out their ASSUMPTION that I had strep was indeed incorrect.
Five hours of suckage in the ER and now they’re GUESSING it’s Mono. They believe it’s too early in the sickness for it to be showing in my blood. Well awesome. I go back in on friday for similar treatment. Lots of needles stuck in my veins. Oh joy.
I very well could spend all this time sleeping but I feel like shit when I wake up. My dad is awesome for constantly providing me with my much needed energy drinks and otter pops.
I’ve been playing Zelda: Twilight Princess for my GameCube (that I got in oregon) and have been thanking Mike subconsciously for buying me the memory card while we were at GameStop. If I didn’t have a way to save my many days housebound would be quite pitiful.
I’ve also been reading Questionable Content nonstop. I’ve read up to #1298 in three days. Yes, it’s fucking a good webcomic. Yes, I highly recommend it to you. Especially since Faye is my comic alter ego. Haha Sort of.
I miss being outside. I miss my friends. I miss having a life. OMG I feel like the boy in the bubble. Did I mention that my internet could be getting turned off at any time? Lucky for me I worked for a week before becoming Typhoid Amber so I get paid tomorrow. Yes, a large chunk is going to comcast for my enjoyment.
Did I mention that if I have mono I’m out for six weeks? Hello disability.
I’ll probably just spend my checks on hookers and debauchery anyway.
I got home from Oregon today. From my last blog post forward my vacation managed to go a bit awry so I will keep it simple. And categorised.. sort of.
Day two in Monroe I again attempted to do the drinking thing. Jimmy and I head to Bugsys and continue the drinking escapade. It’s karaoke night and I’m stoked on it. Anyways, about 20 minutes before Karaoke starts my exhusband walks into the bar and it all goes down hill from there to say the least. I once again pursue Jameson (my black out in a bottle) and start drinking excessive amounts. I know I cried hard enough that night that my eyes were swollen the rest of the following day. That sucked. I never want to see Kyle Agard again. End of story.
The following day (now called puffy eye day) started well. Sort of. Kyle also crashed at my mothers house so I did my best to just keep on with my day. I worked a green horse for the better part of the morning. Said my goodbye’s to kyle. Then went to my cousins house. It was excellent to see Michael and Liz as they’re probably two of my best friends. Love those guys.
The day after that (thursday I believe) Liz and I go to my Aunts house.. where my grandma lived. No one was home. I went in, took a few items that no one else wanted but I absolutely did, and left.
Mike picked me up that evening and I spent the rest of my vacation with him. We picked up his homie Isaac from springfield on friday and proceeded to have a most excellent weekend of drinking and football.
There are some things I miss very deeply in Oregon and other things I never wish to face again. Hell of a vacation.
Yesterday was my first day/night in Monroe. The town I ran amuck in since the age of sixteen. I got here, drank a few beers, shit kicked it with my mama and then called some friends. The one partner in crime who was up to the challenge (as always) is Jimmy. He picks me up and we head to Alpine.
This was the first time I have ever been in the Alpine tavern as my usual haunts in this town were the longbranch and the corner stone. So we get to the Alpine tavern and the whiskey starts flowing. We play a few games of pool, and then the bar owner comes in and tells us they’re closing up soon. Locks the door and what not. So we get another round of drinks, smoke inside, and finishes up our pool game. We don’t pay our tab, because there is no tab. Free drinks winz.
From there we move on to Bugsy’s in Junction City. I had been in this bar once before and it was about as quiet as it was this night as well. But I like bars where only me and a handful of people are in it. So it worked. I made fast friends with the bartender (7A from now on. she has that tattooed on her). Apparently we were seperated at birth. 7A is cool
So we drink and bullshit and 7A asks me if I’ve ever had a Red Headed Slut. I laugh and say of course so she pours us, including herself, a shot. I ask her “How much do I owe you for this?” and she waves her hand and says nothing. I continue to drink like this for the rest of the night.
From the Red Headed Slut forward my memory gets a bit hazy. I know I started a game of pool with a hot guy who liked the Reel Big Fish song I had put on the juke box. I’m fairly certain I got disgusted with my playing abilities and decided I was better suited to drinking than to trying to actually achieve anything.
I don’t know how I got home. Jimmy Says that mike drove us home. He thinks.
I don’t remember leaving. But 7A texted me three times asking where I was going, and if I’m still alive. (yes I got her # haha)
I don’t remember taking my shoes off or climbing into the bed couch my sister made for me. My sister says I opened the door, saw her and was like “OH HEEEY. I’m fucking drunk.” then passed out. Sounds right.
So I would say night one was a success. Undeniably. Time to find something fun for day two.
It’s amazing how one moment everything is as it should be and the next the sky is gold and the rain falls from the ground up. I would have thought that after living through everything I have and losing so much so quickly would make me prepared for something as tramatic as a death. At this point it should be a tune I’m very used to dancing to. Except that no matter who you are, and no matter how familiar you are with loss, some things you never expect to lose.
The pillars in our lives sometimes seem to have an immortal cast to them. Even when you can see the cracks and fractures, you believe they will never crumble and they will always be there to support you. You find comfort in their worn contours and their familiarity will always be there.
My grandmother died friday morning.
This is the woman who used to protect me from my older sister when I was little. She used to let me help her put together jig saw puzzles. Well, I just put the sides in one pile and then similar colors in others.. but still. She let me. She would share her squirt with me and listen to me when I made wild guesses to questions I didn’t know on Wheel of Fortune. I’m pretty good at that game now. She’s the one who introduced me to liver and onions and in that moment I realized that I would never know if I liked something until I tried it.
She’s the one who I lived with when I was in elementary school. Eighth grade. Highschool. She’s the one who forced me to eat vitamins and got me sunny d in a can to take with me to school. She’s the first person I rode in a taxi with. She loved the biscuits from KFC as long as they were the hawaiian kind. I didn’t like them, but I ate them, because she liked them. She’s the one who bleached my hair for the first time when I was 13.
When my sister went to Oregon for my cousin Jennifers wedding, but I couldn’t (because I was too little) she agreed that I could go everywhere with her while my sister was gone. I thought I had gotten the lions share of that deal. I remember her never wearing her seat belt in the old beater black truck she had, but putting it over the shoulder of one of her arms. I remember the twinkle in her eye and her dirty jokes. The stories that if anyone else had told you, you wouldn’t believe, but you knew she wasn’t lying.
I remember going to her crying and her always making me feel better. She always shared her cinnamon candy with me and it is still one of my favorite things in the world. I remember her telling me and my sister we could pick one thing out of her Avon horde in the garage when we were little and I picked some weird ugly neon green hooty hoo owl. I lost it two days later at school.
She will always be in my heart but I fear my mind will be my worse enemy because everyone knows that memory fades. Will I remember the sound of her laugh in a year from now? Ten years from now?
She was one of the most amazing, intelligent, spiritual, and strong women I have ever known. I know that I will never meet her match. She helped shape me into the person I am today and for that I have to be grateful to whatever god or ghosts there are. I was one of the lucky ones who got to know her. My children wont be.
I will be 24 in 10 days. It’s kind of surreal. I knew it was coming, time waits for no one. But oddly enough I don’t feel old. I think I make more of a play on my age than I really feel. This is going to be a good year for me and I can feel it. I will be on a train to Oregon in 11 days..
I’m freaking out more about that than my age though. I have two days off between now and when I leave and I don’t feel like that’s enough time to get everything done that I need. I haven’t even started packing yet.. oh I slack and slack. Such a last minute person.
The coming weeks are going to be a trying time for sure. Emotionally and physically. I’m exhausted and I still have days and days ahead of me. I’m anticipating Oregon. Seeing Mike will be wonderful but possibly seeing Kyle is definitely low on my list. I know it would shatter the walls I’ve built around myself. Talk about total melt down.
At least I’ve been painting more. I’ve finished two pieces and now I’m working on a present for a friend and Pandora’s Box (jar). I bought some mediums to use with my acrylic and they’re amazing. I wish I had had them before I started some of my projects. Oh well, now I know, and my imagination is limitless.
Onward!
I’ve done a good job of not spending money this last week. Mostly due to the fact that I didn’t have any. I got a good paycheck today and I’m determined not to spend all of it on crap I don’t need. Toothpaste: I need. New Shoes: Don’t need.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and converseing with close friends of mine. I’ve come to the realization that I put on a front. I’m sure everyone does, but I put on a big one. I’m a very guarded individual. How I portray myself to others is not necessarily at all how I am on the inside. I don’t know if I remember how to put those guards down.
I censor myself a lot. What I think and what I say can be at opposite ends of the spectrum. It’s not because I don’t have anything good to say, it’s just that the things I say when I’m uncensored can be quite offensive. Not everyone likes to hear the truth. Wait, let me rephrase that. The vast majority of the human population doesn’t like to hear the truth.
I like hearing it. I appreciate the people who tell me things like it is.
So, the big thing for me right now is how can anyone want to get to know me me when I can’t even let them know who I am?
Definite food for thought.
Oh yeah, I painted a picture.
I worked from 6:30am to 3:30pm. I came home, relaxed. Drank a coca-cola out of a glass bottle. I came inside and played on the guitar a while, just fiddling and challenging myself. I then went and had a cigarette with my dad while reading my horoscope in this weeks Good Times. Then I decided to walk up the hill to take pictures and look at the ugly tree. I did a lot of thinking and meditation. I found another good energy spot. I haven’t been to my old spot since I first found it. It’s not an easy journey to get to, so it’s something I would like to do earlier in the day. But, I digress..
It’s like I forgot there were things in the world I liked to do besides party until right now. Somewhere along the way I forgot I had passions. At least, once upon a time I did. I feel like I just woke up.
It’s interesting how quickly things can change. How feelings you forgot you really had can come bubbling forth after you’ve suppressed them in the most unexpected situations. I’ve had one such week. I was always doing something, and always hoping I’d be around certain people. My head is definitely spinning.
He who hesitates is lost.
I’ve moved back into my weird brooding stage. I don’t know. Maybe this is my bipolar downswing. I just feel like I feel things too intensely for my own good and so I kind of do this shut in thing. I work a lot and don’t go out because I have to work so much. Maybe that’s just being grown up. Hell I don’t know.
The finger tips of my left hand hurts. He left me his guitar.
I am the most slacker ass person I know. Dang. I got my diet pills yesterday, but I forgot to take them. I suck. I’ve managed to not only keep drinking as much as normal, but now I’ve managed to pick up substance abuse too. I rediscovered pot. Ugh. Well at least I don’t eat constantly when I’m stoned. So there’s that.
I got my hair cut. Well, I got my bangs changed. It’s cute. I like it. I need to start avoiding boys. I’m emotionally broken and obviously can’t react the right way.
Moving on however, I officiall have 2g spirals in my ears. I’m so stoked on it. They’re so pretty. My hair is fading out to a weird red bronze color. I really don’t know what to do about it. I’m not going to bother dying it again until before my vacation/birthday party.
I have a shit ton of pictures I need to upload to my picasa account.. and facebook for that matter. I think this coming week I’m not going to go out. I’m just going to stay home and recoup from this last week. I’m so tired.
I have to wake up at 5am for the next four days. Oh joy.
This is the place I hide. 